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| I think I've decided that yawning can be somewhat disabling. This may only noticed under certain other disabling instances. | | |
| So one of my most challenging students was absent today. As a result the day went so much more smoothly than usual, and I didn't get interrupted in what I was doing nearly so often. I almost didn't know what to do with myself at some points because I was able to go 5 or even 10 minutes without having to deal with a problem. I don't know that I made as much of it as I could have simply because I haven't experienced this lack of the constant drain this child is to me at work in so long. But the thing on my mind now, is that I cannot decide whether I liked it the way it was at work today. I suppose it's ironic that I say that, because the day was so much easier than usual, but I've come accustomed to that challenge being there, and operating without it today made me feel mmm.... I'm not sure how to describe it - maybe a mixture of spoiled, lazy, and bored. It also made me realize just how much more I could probably accomplish with my class if I didn't have to worry about that child constantly. I don't know... I'm not sure what to take away from the way I feel after today. One thing I know, though. I definitely feel way more satisfied with myself after a day in which I am more drained and pushed closer to my limit than I was today. It makes me wonder if I was given this student for the purpose of better painting a picture of redemption as I talked about in an earlier post.
So I thank God for this challenge; this thorn; this opportunity for victory. And I pray for the presence of mind to cry to Him for help more often in claiming that victory without giving up victories on other easier fronts in the process. And lastly, I pray that both in victory and in defeat, my students' eyes would be able to see the heart of my Father within mine.
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| One day I want to have wings like hers:
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| I’m reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn, and it’s really good. The more I read about heaven, the more I want to go there – now. I used to long for heaven a lot more than I have of late. When I was in high school and I didn’t have so many really good friends or people I could relate to well I desired heaven very deeply. I often wrote about how much I wished I could go there and be done with this life – regardless of death being associated with that. I didn’t care. But since College hit I’ve been busy and surrounded by lots of people and fun and I haven’t thought about heaven nearly as much. I still would have chosen it over this life at any point I think, but I didn’t dwell on it quite so much. As I said, though, the more I read now – and the more alone time I get to think about it and about my life here, the more I desire it. Sure my frustrations at school might contribute to that a little (I can’t deny that), but I think the desire is bigger than that.
When I think about the things of this world that are sought after and desired above anything else – sex, deep and fulfilling relationships, influence and the power to make a difference, comfort… I realize that all of these things are merely a shadow of a far greater and realer version in heaven and God’s presence and I just can’t wait to experience it!
One thing that Alcorn points out which I think is really cool and true is that in imagining heaven our thinking is often “backwards.” He says, “We tend to start with Earth and reason up towards Heaven, when instead we should start with Heaven and reason down towards Earth. It isn’t merely an accommodation of our earthly family structure, for instance, that God calls Himself a Father and us children. On the contrary, He created father-child relationships to display His relationship with us, just as He created human marriage to reveal the love relationship between Christ and His bride (Eph. 5:32).” Both of these earthly relationships are beautiful things on earth – especially when imagined without sin, and so to think that there is a better more perfect version of it which these relationships can merely paint a hazy picture of is so exciting!
I am so very thankful for the amazing picture of the father-child relationship I had growing up, and if God chooses to bless me with a picture of his Christ’s relationship with His bride as well I will be thrilled – however I would give both of these up to get to the real thing. I always wondered growing up at the girls who would say they really hoped the rapture didn’t happen before they got to get married one day. I mean I certainly understand the desire to enjoy that relationship – but wanting to put off heaven for earthly marriage is like postponing a trip to an ice cream parlor so that one can enjoy looking at appetizing pictures ice cream! Haha – so silly!
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| I need some encouragement. I felt really defeated by the end of the school day today. I tried. I wanted to be able to paint a picture of the gospel by how I reacted to everything. But when they wear me down it’s so hard, and I don’t know if my standards for the class are too high, or if I’m doing something wrong – but they just would not cooperate and dealing with that just made me feel mean. I mean I didn’t yell at anyone or anything and tried to be fair, but I hate having to discipline so much. The more they test me the worse my mood becomes too and I go into survival mode – which doesn’t feel so loving (so it probably doesn’t look it either).
I really really want to seek the best way to handle each situation by looking to God and asking Him for help constantly – and while I might a little of that during the day I think I get so distracted in the moment dealing with all the issues that come up that I rarely stop and turn to God. I definitely seek His help before the day begins, but I wish I would more during the day.
It’s hard because I feel like the more burdened I get for the individual students in my class, the more defeated I feel. The more I care the more I hurt. I suppose even that, though, is a picture of what God does for us. Just as I could choose to distance myself from my students and thereby fret much less about things, God could choose to distance Himself from us and experience much less open rejection. Sigh… both scenarios in that analogy make me want to cry.
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